he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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