So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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