I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
