i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
