I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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