I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
