Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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