he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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