seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
