just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
