I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
