you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
