Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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