I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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