A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
