I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
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