my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You're like the curious george of whores
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
