When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
