I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
