Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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