she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
