Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
