I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
