Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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