I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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