I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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