we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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