so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
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What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
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Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?