Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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