Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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