wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
