I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
