swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
