I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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