Dude my mom stole all your condoms
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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