you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
