That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
