My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
