I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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