I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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