Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
its liver damage thursday
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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