i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Can I color on your dick again?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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