I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
