Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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