Acid is not a monday night drug
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
