Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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