it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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