I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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