so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
