The best revenge is premature balding
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
