My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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