i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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