yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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