I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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