So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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