Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
