I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
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All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
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woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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