I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
