I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
